Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
