He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
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I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
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I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
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