haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Holy sore nipples Batman
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
