Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
