so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
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While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
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I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?