I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....