ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
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I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
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I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.