I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
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I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
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He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.