i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Randomize
