Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
