Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
