Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
