You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Where is the hickey?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
