I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
