I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
