someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
