Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
