if you like me you must not know who I am
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
