My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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