and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
