Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
