covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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