someone owes me an orgasm
ugly people sure do ruin things
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
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