The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
