I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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