The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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