it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
