Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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