Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
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