Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
organizing the empties. That sober.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
