so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
