Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
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The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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