the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
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