someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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