k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
