WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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