i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
