Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
