I will die if light touches me.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
