I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
