Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
