wakey wakey hands off snakey
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire