Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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