I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Randomize
