JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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