I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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