Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
