Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
