i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
We named our party play list daddy issues
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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