On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
