i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
my liver is dry heaving
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