My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
