i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
