I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
