Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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