You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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