Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
You are a genius and a whore.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Randomize
