I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
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she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
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You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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