I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Drunk is not a location!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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