i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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