we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
