just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
